Inside the Confessional

I'd like to take a few moments and share something personal. That comes as a shock to some of you, I'm sure. However, I just can't keep this information to myself. It's something that has been a great benefit to my life and I think it might benefit other lives as well. I realize that some of you have already learned this information, but I know others are still unaware. I want to share a personal triumph. It's one that I hope, nay, I know, will be inspirational to whomever may read it.

I want to talk to you about Herpes. I'm not talking about the cold sore variety. I'm talking about good ole fashioned Genital Herpes. Until recently living with genital herpes was, to say the least, a big pain. My nads constantly itched and it really hurt when I would pee. (Not to mention the abnormal urethral discharge, which was quite unbecoming.) But now those days are a thing of the past. Eventhough there's no cure for genital herpes, there is Valtrex and that's good enough for me. With Valtrex I've been outbreak free for nearly a year. Those painful, itchy blisters on my dong and scrote are now just a distant memory. I'm living my life again on my own terms. Best of all, with Valtrex the ladies never know what I might be giving them when I'm giving it to them.

I hope my personal story of triumph has touched you in some way. I hope you can be comforted knowing that even if you do contract genital herpes you can still live a fun-filled life. I hope you can sleep easier knowing that the pharmaceutical industry is working hard for you. They're working hard to ensure that we can all live our lives however we choose, knowing that most negative consequences can be managed with a pill. More than anything, I hope you realize that the fool you just screwed could've very well had herpes. If he/she did, then you'll find out soon enough. You might be upset, but once you get past that and feel like living your life again, you'll be glad you read this. And you'll be saying the same thing I'm saying; "Thank you, Valtrex."

Echt Ben.

So this girl I know has been sharing tidbits of information with me about another girl. Girl #2 is described as "really Christian" and a "good girl" who's choosing to remain a virgin (until marriage, one assumes). A couple pictures reveal that she is actually quite attractive so the virginity thing is most likely a choice. I'm pleased to discover that there really do seem to be attractive, good girls left in the world, even though most evidence tends to point to the contrary. A few weeks later Girl #1 shares with me new pictures of Girl #2, which are most unlike what I would expect from a person who has been described as above. Instead of the big smiles and intriguing beauty from earlier shots, we now have short skirts, no shirt, and sultry poses. Surely anyone I went to school with has witnessed a similar kind of dichotomous behavior in girls, most likely between Saturday night and Sunday morning.

Still, I don't actually know this person. I don't know her intentions. It's possible she's just trying to have a little fun with the camera and mess with guys' heads (as girls are prone to do). Then again, it's possible she's turned the corner and has abandoned the good-girl persona. Which conclusion are we to draw? I can't say. Still, I'm reminded of Dave Chappelle's comments on girls who dress like hos and how they get upset if you assume they actually are hos. He says, "You may not be a whore, but you're certainly wearing their uniform." So while the cross ring on her finger is straight out of the James Avery catalog her shirt isn't. Oh wait, what shirt? Well, I'm sure the bra didn't come from there either. Given the angle of one of the shots, the bra provides an excellent view of some fabulous cleavage. Still, it does cover the "off-limits areas" so the pictures are still modest enough for Maxim.

Now, it's not that this girl is committing some egregious crime against humanity or anything of the sort. It's simply that I'm detecting a pattern. As I said, I'm sure anyone I went to school with is all too familiar with these sort of contrasting behaviors existing in good girls. I still believe that there are girls who aren't freak-hos at heart and really do mean what they say, but the evidence is really starting to pile up in opposition to that belief. I have met a few girls who do seem to be who they purport to be; but how long before I'm proven wrong about them too? Is it just a matter of time and/or opportunity? That remains to be seen.

What I do know is that we're all hypocrites. We all do things that contradict our intentions and past proclamations. It happens. But I remember what my good friend CB used to tell our pledges during induction. "Be real," he would say. Again and again he would stress it. He couldn't have been more right. The only way to truly connect with others is to be open with them. We all have our faults and our vices. We aren't perfect and we're not the same as everyone else. If you are ashamed of or have regrets about things you've done, then admit it and work to change. Pretending to be something you're not serves only to alienate those who know otherwise. True, some will alienate you for your imperfections, but such is life. If you want to take seductive pictures to share over the internet, then feel free to do so. If you want to go to church on Sundays instead of sleeping in, then feel free to do so. This is America. But, please, let's be honest with each other. If you're good, then just be good. If you're a freak-ho at heart, then stop hiding it. Save us all the disappointment of an untimely revelation. Or, at least, just save me.

Le Horla

Whence come those mysterious influences which change our happiness into discouragement, and our self-confidence into diffidence? One might almost say that the air, the invisible air, is full of unknowable Forces, whose mysterious presence we have to endure. I wake up in the best of spirits, with an inclination to sing. Why? I go down by the edge of the water, and suddenly, after walking a short distance, I return home wretched, as if some misfortune were awaiting me there. Why? Is it a cold shiver which, passing over my skin, has upset my nerves and given me low spirits? Is it the form of the clouds, or the tints of the sky, or the colors of the surrounding objects which are so changeable, that has troubled my thoughts as they passed before my eyes? Who can tell? Everything that surrounds us, everything that we see without looking at it, everything that we touch without knowing it, everything that we handle without feeling it, everything that we meet without clearly distinguishing it, has a rapid, surprising, and inexplicable effect upon us and upon our senses, and, through them, on our ideas and on our being itself.

How profound that mystery of the Invisible…

~Guy de Maupassant

The following is based on true events. Some of the names have been changed/edited to protect the innocent. The names that have not been changed are those of the guilty.

Dear Dr. Burks,

In light of recent events we feel it necessary to submit a letter of apology and to explain the situation to you and to Harding University. We would like to express our sincerest apologies and regrets over the incidents that have occurred over the past few days. The actions we took regarding the function, including the sponsors and the printing of senior wills, were irresponsible and were not intended to bring any harm to the individuals present, to Harding University, or the student body therein.

As graduating seniors we have made every effort to be Christian examples to our fellow students. The senior wills were written in jest, were not an admission of past events, and were not meant to be an affront to Harding or its values.

As far as the accusations regarding the use of inappropriate behavior during and following our function, we want to say that those accusations are completely unfounded and untrue. We realize our actions were thoughtless and we wish to take any possible action to rectify the situation at hand. As of now, we have collected and turned in to Dean C all of the wills in our possession. We have spoken to Dean C at length about the matter and have expressed our sincerest apologies. If necessary we would be more than willing to make a public and/or written apology to whomever it is deemed necessary.

We want to address the accusations in any way we can to clear up this matter. We would appreciate the opportunity to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss these matters.

Sincerely,


Jiz, Braintard , Phildo, Hadoken!

Timmy!

Good sports day. Derrek Lee was huge today (4-4, 2HR, 6RBI) and Corey Patterson came through in the clutch with a walk-off shot. Lee, a notoriously slow starter, is now batting .430 and has an OPS of 1.297. He's also on pace for 208 RBI. Highly unlikely he'll reach it, I know, but wouldn't that be something? Despite numerous injuries the Cubs are only 4 back of the Cards, who have been on an absolute tear of late. It's early and, like any good Cubs fan, I'm still confident that this will be the year of the Cubs.

In even better sports news; the Spurs bounced back big-time. This was total domination, holding Denver to just 76 points on 36% shooting. Meanwhile, San Antonio was nearly flawless. The FT shooting still isn't cutting it, but what's new? Duncan looked like his old self dropping 24 points in only 28 minutes, while handing out 5 assists and sending back 3 shots. The entire team was playing smart basketball, as evidenced by a 47% reduction in TO's from Game 1. There isn't much analysis to give other than to say San Antonio gave notice that one poor 4th quarter does not a series make. So stop your yelling K-Mart. Timmy just shut you up.

One last thing: Has there ever been a single word in the history of television that even comes close to being as funny as TIMMY!? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Do you know what a duvet is?

I'm not sure where this term "shout-out" came from, but I wish it would go away. In perusing various boards devoted to television shows, I come across this word far too frequently. For instance, if a character who acts in a way contrary to how most characters on that show typically act, then it must be a "shout-out" to the fans who've commented on the typical character actions. What causes these people to draw this delusional conclusion? It's probably the same thing that causes people to make blogs and start their own websites; an over-inflated sense of self-importance. (I'm fully aware of the irony in my characterization of bloggers et al. in a blog of my own.). This is also why people inform you on bulletin boards of their reasoning for editing something they've said. It's wholly unimportant, but they think people care. The reality is that most people don't. Then again, some people do.

This leads, invariably, to Fight Club:
We're by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty -- these things don't concern me. What concerns me is celebrity magazines, television with five hundred channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra...

Fictional character Tyler Durden is spot on in his assessment. So what drives this sort of behavior? Is it the same over-inflated sense of self-importance that drives the "shout-out" crazed fan or the *whatever*-conscious blogger? No, it's quite the opposite. It's a sense of self-unimportance that leads people to care about the irrelevant. It's what drives them to read Us Weekly and Star Magazine, as if any information found in those pages is going to affect their lives in any meaningful way. It won't. It's a search for fulfillment in things that can never be fulfilling. In your quest for completeness you'll lose weight, grow hair, and get an erection, only to find that now you need to change shirts, cut your hair, and drive a nicer car. The line is always moving and you're never going to cross it.

I say never be complete. I say stop being perfect. I say let's evolve and let the chips fall where they may.

And, yes, I'm further aware of the irony in quoting a movie in my condemnation of America's obsession with popular/celebrity culture. This post is just cholk-full of irony.

That's weird...or is it?

One of my ex-girlfriends used to have a Live Journal. I'd read it occasionally and, from time to time, she would have posts about me. That was weird. And then we broke up. More specifically, I broke up with her. Now, she still had posts about me, only these were different sorts of posts. That was weird. All this to say; posting about people who might actually read what you write is...weird. I know you saw that adjective coming. That's not something I will have to worry about, though, being as I'm not one to make posts about people (the first 7 sentences not withstanding). Of course, since no one is reading this, I could post whatever I want and not worry about the weirdness of them reading it; thus nullifying the weirdness. Still, I've been told a number of times, and as recently as last night, that I'm weird. So I imagine that no matter what I say here, it's likely that I'm going to be perceived as being weird. Then again, maybe not.

Van Spurs Van

Spurs choked big-time tonight. 10+ minutes w/o a FG is not going to get it done. Still, the defense was generally solid, holding Denver to under 42% from the field. However, they were careless with the basketball (17 TO's) and sent Denver to the line way too often. Nevertheless, Spurs fans should remain confident. Their team played about as poorly as possible in the 4th Q and they were still in it until the last minute. Timmy should only improve before next game and Brown is one step closer to returning, giving them another young body off the bench. While I typically loathe the extended scheduling in the NBA Playoffs, I welcome it for this series. The Spurs have 2 days off, which is 2 more days for Duncan to get his rhythm and 2 more days for Pop to drill the boys. It's great how careful analysis can turn a loss which never should've happened into a reason to be confident.